Planning ahead: Why talking about your funeral is an act of love

Whenever I tell people I’m a funeral celebrant, it sparks a conversation. Almost always, it’s the first time someone has said out loud what they’d want for their own funeral. “I’d love that song played”, “Please, no black”, “Make sure it feels like a celebration”. They know what matters to them - but often, no one else does.

The truth is, most of us carry these thoughts quietly. We imagine how we’d like to be remembered, but we don’t share it - because it feels awkward, or morbid, or like we’re tempting fate. Yet those unspoken wishes matter most when the time comes.

When we don’t talk about it, the people we love are left guessing. And in the middle of grief, that guessing is hard. I’ve seen families agonise over simple questions - Would they want flowers or donations? Music or silence? A formal feel or something lighter?These choices weigh heavily when the answers aren’t clear.

For LGBTQ+ people, these conversations matter even more. Too many of us know stories where someone’s identity wasn’t respected after death - partners excluded, pronouns ignored, chosen family left on the sidelines. When wishes aren’t shared, assumptions take over, and sometimes those assumptions hurt. Talking openly protects what matters most: your truth, your love, your story.

Planning ahead - having the conversation, writing it down - is an act of love. It’s a gift of clarity and kindness. It says, “When the time comes, you won’t have to wonder. You’ll know.”

It doesn’t mean planning every detail or rushing to fill in a form. It can start small. Over dinner, in the car, even over a cup of tea: “If it were me, I’d want…” These moments matter. They take the fear out of the unknown.

When you’re ready, I can help you shape those thoughts into something real. Something that reflects you - your values, your quirks, your story. Because your goodbye should feel like you.

If you’d like a gentle way to start, I offer planning sessions - no pressure, no rush. Just space to talk. Because planning ahead isn’t about death. It’s about life, and the people you love most.